Daddy’s Restaurant Rules

Happy post-Thanksgiving! Enough with the home cooked food; time to get back to eating out. As I draft this, I’m on my way to meet Daddy for dinner. Started me thinking about all his restaurant rules.

Each of these could be an individual Daddyism, as these are all verbatim phrases that have been repeated to Amy and me for countless years.


Daddy’s Restaurant Rules

1. (Re: valet) They want me to pay them to park my car five feet away. You know there’s a free lot right across the street, right?

2. (Optional) It’s too loud in here. Let’s go somewhere else.

3. Close the menu so the waitress knows we’re ready. Close it! She’s looking over here.

4. The waitress is coming. Get ready! Don’t let her walk away; it’ll be 20 minutes before we see her again.

Note: I was 21 when I found out you could actually say, “We need a few more minutes.” and not be sentenced to starvation.

5. Don’t fill up on bread (or chips), girls. 
-or- Don’t forget, you have a whole meal coming. 
-or- Save room for dinner.

6. You get one soda, so save it until your meal comes.

6a. (Upon waiter refilling drink) Wait! Are those free refills?

7. (Added circa 2009) Do you have cash? (I usually say no.) What a surprise. I’ll give you cash and you can put it on your credit card. Sigh, adulthood.

I will say, in Daddy’s defense, that he had 8 brothers and sisters so they never got to go to restaurants as kids. Therefore he couldn’t have known his rules would eventually drive me insane.

I’m not without my own quirks. Maybe tomorrow I’ll give you Ms. PC’s restaurant rules.

Gone Fishin’

Oops, I think I’m supposed to put this message up before I disappear for a week.

Sorry, lovers and friends. I am still learning about this blog thing.

I was visiting family for a week but I will be back tomorrow AND Saturday to make it up to you.

Do I have any idea what I’m going to write about? No, but like Jack Donaghy, I thrive under pressure.

Husband’s home! Time to watch the Liz Lemon wedding!

Top 5 Reasons to Love The Old Train

As Alice pointed out, I haven’t complained about the LIRR in a while. Well, ok, if the readers demand it…

Background: the LIRR got pretty nice new trains about 10 years ago but every once in a while, you get stuck with an old one, which feature such lovely amenities as….


1. Every seat held together with duct tape.


2. The stylish “wood” paneling.


3. The Seal of the State of New York wallpaper.


4. The short seat on the end. Enjoy your nap.


5. Not pictured: the lights and heat turning off every time there’s a gap in the third rail (which is often).


I guess it makes me grateful for my regular train. How about you, lovers and friends, what’s your public transportation like? I bet you’re riding in style.




Bullseye

Important update: Just found out that Target has pretty much everything Pier 1 has.

Remember that decal I wanted that was going to make me super sophisticated?

Boom.


And Pier 1′s signature product?

“Vase Filler”


It’s like they didn’t get the memo that they’re called decorative spheres. Fools.

Alice Guest Post #2 – Sandy, Part I

Check out Alice‘s original guest post here, in case you forgot about her confusing living-at-home plight.


Sandy, Part I

Has anyone noticed that Jill’s recent posts have no mention of commuting? That’s because she completely abandoned me the last two weeks. While Jill was playing board games and rediscovering old phones I was sleeping on couches and shoving my way into packed trains.

At first I was ok with things. Worked closed, the power went out in the afternoon and I spent the evening reading by candles and drinking wine. Tuesday the lack of electric got a little old and as I drove around surveying the downed power lines I started realizing it would be a while till flicking on a light switch actually did anything. But we were lucky, trees only fell in the yard and my family was safe. 

Just as I was starting to understand the full damage of the storm work emails began flooding my inbox. I received a call from my boss briefly asking about how I was and then following up with questions regarding exhibition vinyl placement. Apparently Sotheby’s was open and this was the beginning of a bizarre juxtaposition that would last the week. See, while people had lost their homes and were without power and water the auction house was functioning as if nothing had happened; because on the Upper East Side nothing really had. I told my boss that I was fine, gave instructions on where to place the text, and assured him I’d figure out how to get in the following morning. I packed a suitcase, headed to a house with a generator and started calling friends who live uptown.


Ms. PC: She’s staying in the city now while I commute alone, so I don’t really want to hear her crap.

Back Home Sitcom, Ep. 1

INT. NEWLYWEDS’ BEDROOM – MIDDAY (SUNDAY)

Jill and Tom prepare to leave for the day. Jill puts her laptop in her purse as Tom slips on his jacket. There is a knock at the door. Jill opens it to reveal Daddy.
 
DADDY
Have you two been eating
in here?
 
JILL
(Guiltily) Um, yes.
 
DADDY
Daddy would really prefer
if you didn’t eat in here.
This isn’t college.
 
Jill glances at the mini fridge in the corner.
 
JILL
It feels like college.
 
DADDY
Yeah, I see that… Just 
eat in the kitchen please.
 
JILL
(Hangs her head) Ok…
 

Daddy closes the door as he leaves. Jill looks up at her husband.

TOM
(Whispers) I’m still
gonna eat in here.

The Best Very Special Episodes

As promised after yesterday’s emotional roller-coaster.I know there are other lists elsewhere, but here is Ms. PC’s personal list of the best Very Special Episodes:

1. Full House – smoking.

2. Saved By The Bell – Ok, there are so many very special episodes of SBTB, but I don’t think the drunk driving episode gets enough attention.

I stopped looking for an actual clip after I found this music video for the song “Drunk Driving Lisa’s Mom’s Car”. The episode “Jessie’s Song” also makes a cameo:

3. Punky Brewster – drugs. Ok, I had no recollection before I just watched this clip that Punky Brewster actually started Just Say No Clubs in real life. It looks like all the members are adults, which is weird considering their leader is a 9 year old.

You can start watching at about half way through if you don’t love the 80′s fashions and valley girl caricatures as much as I do (weird).

4. Small Wonder – drugs. Just skip to the sting operation at the very end.

5. Saved By The Bell – no hope with dope. You can google the real PSA if you don’t remember for some reason (weird) but this is just funnier and super random:

 

A Very Special Blog Post

I hate to get serious, ever, but it’s hard for me to laugh about the ridiculousness of living with my dad when I’m actually pissed off…

 
Daddy is nosy. My mom calls him a yenta. I mostly accept him but it’s tough sometimes.
 
 
He’s been known to ask me inappropriate questions about money. I have no idea how much he makes but he thinks it’s fine to ask me how much I make. Whatever.
 
He has repeatedly asked me, although I have told him many, many times, how much my MBA cost, how much I paid up front, and how much I owe. You know what? He paid for 20% of my graduate degree, which was generous and I did not expect, so if he really needs to know how much I owe in student loans, no big deal.
 
He also asks me how much I owe in credit card debt, which is patently none of his business. But, it’s not that big of a deal to me. I’ve told my friends and it’s not like I have a shopping addiction or something. I just have debt from throwing what constitutes a very modest New York wedding. So fine.
 
He started getting on my nerves a while ago when he told me, very cautiously at first, that, in his opinion, with a CPA and MBA, I should be making more money.
 
This pisses me off not because it’s nosy, but because it proves that he doesn’t know me at all.
 
Yes, if I sold my soul and went back to public accounting, I could be making a few tens of thousands more than I’m making now. But let’s look at the costs:
  • Dreams of becoming a writer. (No time to write when you’re working every night and weekends.)
  • Free time to spend with family, friends and husband.
  • Mental and physical health.
 
Maybe he doesn’t care about my writing dreams or free time but the mental health part is non-negotiable. I literally had a nervous breakdown and spiraled into depression at my old job. Guess what? If you can’t get out of bed in the morning, your income prospects are severely limited.
 
Sorry, this is getting really personal. Anyway…
And he seems to think Tom’s finances are his business too. So the other day, he’s talking to me about how I should really be saving money for a house (because that’s all a married woman can dream of, right? No chance I might want to have flexibility to travel?) and I’m nodding and he says:
 
“And Tom is talking about going to the Olympics in Russia, and I’m like ‘Dude, you have $XXX in debt.’”
 
[Silence.]
 
Seriously, what the fuck? Does he really think I’m going to take his side over my husband’s? And yes, our student loan debt is astronomical. Yes, it’s terrible and it’s going to take forever to pay off, but what are you saying? We’re not allowed to travel for the next 30 years? And I don’t even want to go to Russia but he’s turning me into a rebellious teenager and now I want to go out of spite!
 
So I’m stewing, and he continues on about how we’d be surprised how much money we can save if we really try [Trust me, living with Daddy IS trying!] and then he says “You know, it seems to me that you should both be making more money.” Enough!!!!
 
So I say “Daddy, you know, you’re getting a little nosy.”
 
And he says “Well, you’re living rent-free in my house.”
 
Oh! Didn’t know his offer to live with him came with strings attached! 
This is bullshit. Yes, I’m lucky to have him. But I also have a mom and a mother-in-law and a husband’s aunt with an empty apartment in Brooklyn and friends and enough money that I could still live on my own (if I never want to pay off my credit card debt) so, you know? Shit, fuck it.
 
I am tempted to just move out now but Tom is really sick of moving.
 
I guess I have to have the talk… you know the one, accompanied by sappy music at the end of any very special episode.
 
Really, my dad just wants to help me make my life perfect. Too bad I’ve got my own ideas.
Sorry for getting so real with you guys.  To counterbalance this very special post, tomorrow I will post a list of Ms. PC’s personal favorite very special episodes.

The Shower Head Incident

Tom and I moved into Daddy’s a few weeks ago and immediately noticed that the shower head was super low-flow, which, as we know from Seinfeld, is not good.

my first homemade gif

We bought a new one about two or three weeks ago but didn’t install it right away because we couldn’t find a wrench. So we got around to it on Friday.

Oh, and when I was at Home Depot, I called and asked Daddy if he wanted me to buy a new faucet for the bathroom (also an issue). He kind of panicked and said that no, we would go after work one night and pick one out together. 

I just want to say right now that I don’t give a shit about picking out the new faucet. I just want one with working knobs. Meanwhile, he hasn’t done anything about that yet.

Anyway, we changed the shower head without asking. [Dun dun dun!]


Sunday, we got a talking-to:
“Daddy doesn’t like unilateral decision making.”

Too bad Ms. PC doesn’t like low-flow shower heads.

I guess I feel bad because I don’t want him to feel like we’re taking over his house. But I just don’t think he’ll do anything if I don’t do it myself.

Exhibit A:

my girly stuff juxtaposed with the ultimate bachelor faucet


But anyway, Sunday night I decided to take a nice, long shower in celebration of our new-found water pressure. Unfortunately, the water went completely cold after about 12 minutes.

I told Daddy and he said “That’s why Daddy had a regulator in the old one.”  Whoops.

6 Things You Forgot About Using The Phone In The 90s

Apologies for not getting my posts out this week but I get a hurricane pass. Daddy got power back yesterday but now the Internet is out. Also went to the library today but their wifi was out too. So I’m typing this on my phone and hoping to upload it in a rare moment of 3G coverage.

So much to talk about. For example…
Crazy gas lines + traffic lights out = full-tilt jungle madness

[Imagine your own Mean Girls gif here. I really can't from my phone.]

Computer edit: try this one.

But my family was very fortunate that we didn’t have flooding and none of our persons or property were lost. Daddy’s power was out for 4 days and Mommy’s has been out for 5 and counting, but we’re making the most of it. We’ve been drinking wine and playing board games at Mommy’s every night.

My point is that I have nothing to complain about. However, I am now going to educate you on a little something we call “landlines.”

actual phone


We are lucky Mommy kept her old landline from before they got Fios, or we wouldn’t even have service. Plus her old corded phone that she dug out of somewhere. And when you can’t charge your cell (and then the cell towers go down) it’s nice to have a landline. But here are some things you may have forgotten about old school landlines.

1. No caller ID. The phone rings and you have no idea if it’s a loved one, a telemarketer, or your stalker. You just pick it up.

1a. Besides not knowing who it is, you also don’t know who it’s for. At one point we had up to 7 people hunkered down at Mommy’s. So you just answer it like “hello?” and then the caller has to, like, say who they are and why they’re calling.
Except sometimes they don’t. Because they’re not used to 90s phones either. So they’re just like “Helllloooo having fun???” and you’re like “um what?” and eventually figure out it’s Aunt Kath’s sister in Colorado.

2. Everyone shares one phone. So, if you want to call someone, but someone else is using the phone? You have to… wait.

3. The phone is connected to the wall. So, you can’t really walk places. Even if everyone decides to start having a conversation and/or turn up the News Radio 88 right next to you.

4. If you hang up but don’t really hang up right… you might hear “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again…” and if you don’t hear that you’ll almost definitely hear some super loud beeping.

5. Sometimes, after dialing, you might hear… “All circuits are busy. Please try your call again later.” or this weird thing called a busy signal. This has actually been happening kind of a lot.

6. There’s no browser on your landline. With no internet, you dial 4-1-1 and tell a recording the name of the person or business whose number you need. You are charged extra for this service because they know you must be desperate.

Seriously not complaining. I actually think its funny to relive my childhood. Makes me grateful for the device on which I wrote this entire post. Oh, and now that I’m done, I found out the internet started working again. But since it’s 2am, this is what you’re getting.

Feel free to share your most cherished inconveniences of the 90s.