I was a relatively early adopter of twitter. It was probably 2007 when I joined, because I heard Elvis Duran and the Morning Show talking about celebrity tweets, and I thought “I can know what John Mayer is up to at all times? Cool.”
In 2009, I took one class of a particular marketing elective before dropping it because the professor was too arrogant. During that class, the professor asked who had a twitter account, and I was one of the few people that raised their hands. He said “In a few years, almost every hand in this class will be raised. I think twitter is going to be huge.”
Which, frankly, was a little bit like… if I were to say right now in 2013: “I think tumblr is going to be huge.” Certainly no guarantees but it’s already a pretty big deal.
Regardless, twitter has indeed gotten huge, and some of my business school friends joined as part of their love for personal branding. But, surprisingly, most of them didn’t. Which brings me to my first point…
Six Reasons Why I Hate Twitter
1. My friends aren’t on Twitter.
In my trial and error process, I’ve followed a couple high school kids, and from what I can glean, their tweets are mostly conversations with each other, purposely vague hate thrown at mutual acquaintances, and complaints. They’re not funny.
Maybe I would enjoy twitter more if my friends were on there gossiping about mutual acquaintances, but they’re not. Which means…
2. Twitter makes me feel old.
I was in college when facebook was only for college kids. Facebook was my generation’s thing. And still is. But it’s not the cool new thing anymore. And hasn’t been since our parents joined. Luckily, once I entered the business world, I had enough sense not to post things on social media that I wouldn’t want my mom to see anyway, but it still felt like the end of my youth.
I don’t begrudge the kids for having their own thing, but I hate that I can’t figure it out, even with all my social skills, tech skills, and willingness to learn. And as to the people that have figured it out…
3. Twitter people are the worst.
I’ve already written about the dearth of basic logic and human decency that managed to pry themselves away from slut shaming on Reddit to chime in on the #LiberalTips2AvoidRape discussion. Like all of the internet, twitter gives validity to people that don’t deserve it. Sure, everyone has the right to free speech, but not everyone’s opinion is equally valid. Still, anyone can create a twitter account and act like a big shot.
Beyond that, it’s a bunch of blogholes and people interested in promoting their own shit, while doing nothing to help others in return, unlike the way networking usually works. And if I don’t immediately followback some rando, he immediately unfollows me. Sorry I didn’t want to follow your profile with 10,000 following, 10,000 followers, and no information.
Granted, I mostly use my twitter account to promote this blog, but it’s out of desperation. If you met me in real life, you’d probably like me, but on twitter I feel like a social pariah. Because…
4. Nobody follows me on Twitter.
What the heck, guys? I’ve been tweeting hilarious complaints about the LIRR for months now. Why can’t I sit at the cool kids’ table? As of this writing, I have 81 followers, which is likely to go down when the grown-ass man whose profile unironically boasts “YOLO” realizes that I haven’t followed him back.
Oh well. If I knew how to get twitter followers, I probably could’ve gotten this blog to go viral by now. Let’s just say I’m going for quality over quantity. Now, I also need to upgrade the quality of my followees because…
5. Twitter is fucking boring.
Sorry. I don’t know what to say about this. I think I’m following some pretty good people but, really? I’m just supposed to sit here and read random observations all day? Granted, I can’t really explain how that’s different from facebook, but I just like facebook better.
And, finally, for whatever reason…
6. There are too many prostitutes on Twitter.
Dear lovers and friends, some of you know me very well. Some of you don’t know me at all. But to any of you, do I seem like the type of person that is going to hire a female escort off of TWITTER? (Craigslist 4Eva!) (That’s a joke, future employers.)
I have had to block probably 20? followers (which would be 20% of my total follower base) because they all have one tweet, which is a retweet from the same person. Here’s the latest profile I blocked, if you want to get the picture.
Most of their profiles are eventually removed, but why is this allowed to keep happening? You take the bad with the worse, I guess.
Sadly, while I sometimes wish the site would spontaneously combust, I won’t be leaving any time soon. I need it for my blog-promoting-prostitute online persona. If you’re feeling bad for me, here’s a link to my account. You could be lucky #82.