Full Disclosure is a series in which I admit to things that I shouldn’t be ashamed of, but am anyway.
First, it was Friends:
Monica: Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?
I was in high school and wouldn’t need a pregnancy test for years, so I laughed along with the rest of America. Of course there’s no wrong way to pee on a stick!
By the time How I Met Your Mother did it, I knew better:
Marshall: Are you sure you did it right?
Lily: Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?
Hahahahahahahah. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA.
I’ve only had the occasion to take pregnancy tests three or four times in my life (as an extra super cautious just-to-make-sure). And I’ve screwed them up at least two or three of those times.
Here are some sample instructions:
Place just the absorbent tip, pointing downward, in your urine stream for 5 seconds only. After sampling, keep the absorbent tip pointing downward. Never hold the test stick with the absorbent tip pointing upward.
Here are my problems:
1- How do I know when it’s been 5 seconds? Should I operate a stopwatch with one hand while holding the stick with the other? How can I be sure to start the stopwatch at the exact moment the stream hits the stick?
Oh, you think I’m being ridiculous? I have had different tests malfunction either for having too much or too little urine on them. They are serious about the five seconds.
2- Girls can’t aim. And if you have any urine splash on the test window part, you’re gonna have a bad time, mmkay?
3- This is my own fault, but they’re not joking about keeping that absorbent tip pointing downward, either. Only had to learn that lesson once.
Finally, I had to admit defeat. I was basically just pissing on twenty dollar bills and throwing them away. (It’s okay, Andrew Jackson had it coming.)
The last time I took a test, I decided to go with the alternate “dipping” method, which meant finding a cup in my house that I didn’t mind peeing in. Someday, you will come to my house, I will offer you a refreshment, and you will wonder…
According to my friend Lauren, I am alone on this. Apparently, pregnancy tests are not difficult for the average woman. Still, I will be ashamed no more.
There is a wrong way to pee on a stick.