Project Optimism: The Wedding I’d Hoped to Avoid

Well, Tom’s family, if you’ve arrived here, you might as well know: I didn’t want to go to the Virginia wedding this weekend. Not because I actually didn’t want to go, but because I had something very important to do in New York.

I’m not accustomed to losing fights to my husband, but lose this one, I did. We both had good arguments, but in the end it came down to communication. If we’d fought it out in the beginning instead of assuming everything would work out somehow, we could have avoided this whole thing.

That said, I went to the wedding. And I had fun.

The wedding was of a faith other than mine.

hint: this wasn't allowed credit: Lindsay

hint: this wasn’t allowed
credit: Lindsay

Still I listened to the pastor? preacher? …and evaluated what he had to say. A couple things stuck with me:

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” -It’s from this book, the Bible? I want to say?*

In the context of marriage, in which your spouse is your closest neighbor, this means to love your spouse just as much as you love yourself. Which means that you have to actually love yourself before you can be a good spouse. And from this, he led to another piece of advice:

Don’t be competitive with your spouse. Be a team. “Get up under that yoke with him.” (I had to find out later what a yoke was, but I got the gist.)

In this recent, giant fight, neither of us was thinking as a team member by the end, but rather as competitive strategists or something. With the issue resolved, we’re back to being the awesome team that we usually are and we’ll probably do a little better next time.

…Then the wedding officiant went into the traditional gender roles of a biblical marriage and that was when the advice stopped being valuable for me. No offense if that’s your belief, but “subjection to your husband” doesn’t apply to the marital contract that Tom and I entered into…

Oh and later, there was a bit of family drama and it was comforting to know that’s not just a Pinnella thing.

To sum up: Love yourself. Love your spouse. Don’t be a jerk.

How do you deal with fighting?


*This is a joke. I know what the Bible is. But actually, they called it the Book of Scriptures.

Check out more Project Optimism posts by me or by other bloggers.


  1. I usually know when a fight is coming. It’s like a warm breeze, and it’s most likely warm because anger is a temperature. I tend to take one of three routes if a fight is unavoidable:

    1) I ask myself if the time, effort, and consequences are worth it. I pick my battles.
    2) If 1) tells me it’s not worth it (like someone forgot to pick up corn flakes) then I just blame myself. I have no problem laying down over stupid stuff.
    3) If 1) tells me it’s worth it. I use this crazy thing called ‘logic’, that women don’t always use. It revolves around me asking what is actually pissing them off, and then defeating each of their reasons with counterarguments.

    It’s science.

  2. ““subjection to your husband”—Um, yeah, I think I’m lacking in that department as well…

    My husband and I don’t fight too much, because after so many years together, I think we’ve learned how to ward off a potential argument. That doesn’t mean we don’t have our disagreements, it just means we try to be grown up about them. Or maybe we’re just too old and tired now. ;)
    Carrie Rubin recently posted…Do You Believe That They Believe?My Profile

  3. We all do need to fight now and then. It’s healthier than holding it all in. As long as you listen to each other, get over it, make up, and move on. Usually most fights are over something trivial anyway.

    But a dry wedding? Ouch! My flask would have gotten a workout that day!
    Phil recently posted…Subway cell phone torture. Thanks NYC. What’s next?My Profile

  4. Chyeah. Nobody likes a jerk! I can’t believe you survived a ‘dry’ wedding that referenced yokes. I’ll say it for you since you have to be polite about it and probably don’t want to fight with your husband again (heh): That ain’t even right.

    By something important to do in New York, you meant come next door (to Jersey) and visit me, right?

    P.S. – LOVE that wedding pic!
    Go Jules Go recently posted…A Birthday SerenadeMy Profile

  5. I echo what Jules said, “love that picture of you!” Also, I applaud you for still writing Project Optimism posts. I’m slacking BIG time.

    In any case, my husband and I have been married for nearly twenty years so we’ve been through it all. Fortunately, we’ve learned to communicate much better. That, and we are seriously way too tired to argue. :)
    Anka recently posted…Beautiful Woman Lacks DiscretionMy Profile

  6. I was married in a Catholic church. Our priest went on and on and on about the role of the wife and you can actually see me rolling my eyes in our wedding video. My husband’s side of the family was mortified. Meh.

    Seriously, you weren’t allowed to drink at this VA wedding? Wine is even in the Book of Scriptures…
    Stephanie recently posted…Oversharing: Menstruation MadnessMy Profile

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