I have gotten two upper-abdominal sonograms in the last year. Based on those two exams, I assume that these rules are universal:
- Nothing makes you feel hungrier than knowing you can’t eat for four hours.
- The exam will always be done by a Russian woman named Natalya. (Ok, so it might have been the same technician both times but I was honestly thrown off because they were at two different locations.)
- The goo is now kept in a bottle warmer. Take note, sitcom writers: your characters should no longer say “Ohh, cold!” when the goo hits their bellies. If anything it’s more of a “Ew, why is that hot?” I’m sure it’s appreciated most of the time but when it’s 95 degrees at 9:30 AM, I would’ve preferred the cold gel.
- The technician will tell you nothing (except for “stop breathing. don’t breathe.” in the case of Natalya). But you will stare at the monitor and realize that there are small beluga whales and giant worms living in your upper abdomen.
- They will tell you to use the paper drop cover to clean up, which will be insufficient, and you will leave both uninformed and slightly sticky.
I’ve been having unidentified abdominal pain for over a year now. I wish I could blame stress but, if we’re being honest, it might have something to do with all the cheese and alcohol.