I Could Be Murdered at LAX and There Would Be No Witnesses

Ugh, airports, amirite?

I’m currently waiting for my flight. Don’t you hate that?

Don’t you especially hate it when you have to wait 8 hours because you missed your original flight because you thought it was midnight but it was actually 11pm (and your husband had reminded you to forward him your flight info no less than 3 times during the day but you were too busy) but you accidentally got there early enough anyway, but the line was so long because Delta that you missed it and the next flight wasn’t until morning but you couldn’t leave the airport because your dad was being kind of a dick about picking you up and you couldn’t bear to spring for another hotel room because you just paid for one last night when you got locked out of your uncle’s house because everyone went to bed before you came home… so you just sit in an empty terminal, literally, no other passengers and just the occasional cleaning person passing through, with no food available, not even vending machines, for 8 hours?

Yeah, I hate that too.

LAX terminal 6 gate 64A

Note: As I was writing this, some jackass turned off the airport wifi and there was nothing I could do about it. In case you skipped it above, now I must insist: watch John Mulaney.

$325 Garbage

I have in my purse a small piece of cardstock worth $325.
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Dear Weirdos and Creeps of New York: Stop it.

Last night, I posted this…

train seatmate

…meaning, I had a creepy guy sitting next to me.

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Is Pessimism Tuesday Becoming a Thing?

I have to admit, I’m a pretty cynical person. Not cynical for a New Yorker, but still a New Yorker.

Mondays, I hold it together for you guys. I am forced to, by having committed to Project Optimism and having gotten positive feedback from you.

But Tuesday, it’s like I breathe a giant sigh of relief. Deep breath, exhale. Now I can tell you what I’m really thinking.

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The Universe Speaks Through Fortune Cookies

What is it about Chinese fortunes? I know they’re meaningless, but if I get a good one, I believe it.

Some time last year, I got the fortune:

Your secret desire to completely
change your life will manifest.

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Why Is Confrontation So Hard?

Yesterday morning I was riding the train, lightly dozing with my head against the window. My hand was resting on my purse in the seat next to me.

I awoke to the sensation of my purse (and, consequently, my hand) being lifted. I opened my eyes just in time to catch my bag as it was dropped, laptop and all, into my lap.

The culprit (or “douche nozzle”, as my husband would later refer to him) then threw his own bag on the overhead rack and sat down next to me without saying anything. I sat for a couple minutes, confused and stunned.

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Blog Sitcom: “Cell Phones In Public”

INT. TRAIN – NIGHT

Commuter train full of tired passengers. There is an ANNOYING GIRL talking loudly and incessantly on her cell phone. We only see the back of her head.

GIRL
His name’s Josh. He’s really
cute. He kind of looks like
Patrick Dempsey.

Beat. A passenger across the aisle from the girl rolls his eyes.

GIRL
No! Not “Lover Boy” Patrick
Dempsey! Well, kind of. He’s
kind of like a combination…

A train announcement interrupts the girl’s conversation. She sighs.

ANNOUNCER
This is an announcement from
the Long Island Railroad. Be
train smart. When using your
cell phone…

GIRL
Ugh, these announcements are
so annoying.

ANNOUNCER
…please be courteous to
passengers around you.

A passenger behind the girl loudly clears his throat.

GIRL
Sorry, so anyway. He sort of
looks like a combination of
young Patrick Dempsey and old
Patrick Dempsey.

The train comes to a stop. A woman in front of the girl stands up and glances with fascination at the annoying girl, before exiting. The annoying girl sees the woman’s gaze and looks around, confused.

GIRL
Yeah but anyway, I never get
to see him. It’s kind of like
that episode of Sex & The City…

The train takes off again.

GIRL
…where Miranda and Steve
couldn’t work their schedules
out because she was a lawyer
and he’s a bartender.

The train begins to slow.

ANNOUNCER
This is Huntington. Huntington,
last stop, last stop. All
passengers must exit here.

GIRL
(louder)
Yeah! Almost exactly because,
like, I’m an accountant and
he’s a waiter.

ANNOUNCER
Please take a moment to look
around you, and make sure you
have all your personal belongings…

GIRL
Ugh! Alright, I better go, Peg.
It’s my stop. I love you!!
Alright, bye.

The girl stands up, puts on her coat, and notices for the first time that most of the train is staring at her. As she turns, reveal: it is our heroine, Jill, slightly younger.

CHYRON – “October, 2007″
 

Top 5 Reasons to Love The Old Train

As Alice pointed out, I haven’t complained about the LIRR in a while. Well, ok, if the readers demand it…

Background: the LIRR got pretty nice new trains about 10 years ago but every once in a while, you get stuck with an old one, which feature such lovely amenities as….


1. Every seat held together with duct tape.


2. The stylish “wood” paneling.


3. The Seal of the State of New York wallpaper.


4. The short seat on the end. Enjoy your nap.


5. Not pictured: the lights and heat turning off every time there’s a gap in the third rail (which is often).


I guess it makes me grateful for my regular train. How about you, lovers and friends, what’s your public transportation like? I bet you’re riding in style.




Happy Friday, Or, May This Infernal Week Crawl Back Into The Pits Of Hell From Which It Sprang

Rough week, dear lovers and friends (just for fun).

On Monday I discovered a minor data error I had made at work and have been spending the rest of the week trying to undo everything that resulted from it. Funny how something tiny can blow up like that.

honey boo boo knows what I’m talkin’ about

Things I’ve neglected this week:

  • Following up with Penn Station lost & found (yes, still);
  • Hitting up the pashmina guy (I got a tip that he’s at 32nd and 7th);
  • Unpacking;
  • Various plans / calls with friends;
  • Any physical activity whatsoever.

Things I have not neglected this week:

  • Work;
  • Eating, for the most part;
  • Pissing off some girl on the LIRR by tapping her on the shoulder (still learning commuter culture).

Things I haven’t even attempted but need to get on top of:

  • Daddy’s house.
  • That’s enough of a to do list.

But my BFF Rachel is visiting this weekend so I guess I’ll just drink a bunch of wine instead.

guessing it will look something like this…

Quick Life Update + Beyonce

I apologize that my posts have been a little less frequent but I have good reasons, which are:


a) I’m moving;

b) I’m working on script writing; and

c) I left my bag on the LIRR that had a bunch of Tom heads in it (another story) and also my memory card reader so now I can’t get all the awesome blog photos that I’ve been taking off my camera and there’s only a Staples Express by my office and they sell cameras and memory cards but not memory card readers and I should have just ordered another one on Amazon but I was dumb enough to think the LIRR Lost & Found might function as intended and ugghhhh….

But I promise to all my loyal readers (I know you are out there even though you never leave comments or any trace of your existence but then when I talk to you in person you tell me you’re reading so I’ll take your word for it) that I will get out at least two posts a week. And this one doesn’t count.

This has been a very train-of-thoughty announcement.

And now, a photo collage of Beyonce from Saturday’s Jay Z show at the Barclay’s Center…

Ms. PC ♥ Ms. KC

MTV has an awesome photo gallery that I was afraid to steal from. More about the concert later.