Back Home Sitcom, Ep. 1

INT. NEWLYWEDS’ BEDROOM – MIDDAY (SUNDAY)

Jill and Tom prepare to leave for the day. Jill puts her laptop in her purse as Tom slips on his jacket. There is a knock at the door. Jill opens it to reveal Daddy.
 
DADDY
Have you two been eating
in here?
 
JILL
(Guiltily) Um, yes.
 
DADDY
Daddy would really prefer
if you didn’t eat in here.
This isn’t college.
 
Jill glances at the mini fridge in the corner.
 
JILL
It feels like college.
 
DADDY
Yeah, I see that… Just 
eat in the kitchen please.
 
JILL
(Hangs her head) Ok…
 

Daddy closes the door as he leaves. Jill looks up at her husband.

TOM
(Whispers) I’m still
gonna eat in here.

Blog Sitcom, Ep. 1: "With Mediocre Blogging Comes Mediocre Responsibility"

INT. ART MUSEUM – NIGHT

Jill is at the NYU Stern Alumni holiday party. She approaches her friend TATIANA, who is standing at the bar.

JILL
Hi Tatia– Ooh cheese!

Jill greedily loads up her cocktail napkin.

TATIANA
Your last post was on December first.

Jill looks up, surprised. Through a cheese cube wedged in her teeth, she squeaks out…

JILL
Huh?

TATIANA
Your last post was on December first.

Jill stares blankly for a second as she chews, then finally swallows.

JILL
You read my blog?

TATIANA
I checked it twice today. I’m bored at work.

JILL
That’s so exciting! I have another reader!

Tatiana sternly stares at Jill.

JILL
(smile fades)
Sorry. I’m aware that I haven’t posted
since December first. I’m trying,
believe me, but I’m having trouble.

Tatiana holds Jill’s gaze, not letting her off the hook.

JILL
(nervously)
See, what happened was…

Another friend, OUI, joins them as Jill continues.

JILL
…I wanted to write a post about my
top 5 Christmas sitcom episodes, but
I can’t find the clips online because
of copyright and stuff, you know?

OUI
Yeah, totally.

Tatiana turns her stern gaze on Oui.

TATIANA
You don’t have a blog.

OUI
(confused)
No, I don’t… sorry?

JILL
I swear, I spent 3 hours looking for clips.

TATIANA
Uh huh.

JILL
…and next I want to write about Daddy’s
living room but I need a picture and…

TATIANA
Oh, leave your poor father alone.

Beat. Jill is temporarily speechless.

JILL
But… that’s what the blog is about.

TATIANA
Why don’t you write about Tom?

JILL
He doesn’t do anything wrong!

Tatiana raises her eyebrows skeptically.

JILL
Ok, ok. I’ll think of something
to write about Tom.

Yes, I’m Married. No, I’m Not Pregnant.

Back in the days when I was single (last year), I used to frequently and fearlessly ask any woman I knew if she was pregnant or planning on getting pregnant.

kate preggers

Kate knows what it’s like

I was told this was rude. I didn’t care. I had a superstitious Catholic friend tell me it was terrible because you could be forcing a woman to choose between announcing a pregnancy in the first 3 months (bad luck) or denying the existence of her unborn child (even worse luck). I thought that was just silly.

Since I got married (and a little before), people have been asking about our plans or, even worse, joke-asking me “Uh oh! You feel sick? You’re not pregnant, are you?!” and I have to admit, it’s really fucking annoying. (Can I curse here? Sure, my blog, my rules.)

The reason(s) I used to ask my friends if they were getting pregnant was because I was (a) nosy, (b) hoping that they weren’t having kids because I want them to still be fun, and/or (c) mentally preparing myself so I wouldn’t be blind-sided when I found out in 6-9 months that my friends were no longer fun. I don’t know the intentions of everyone that asks me these questions so I just assume nosy, which translates to annoying.

That said, here’s a list of rules for asking me if I’m pregnant or working on it:

1) Ask yourself if you know me well enough. The answer might be yes. I’m pretty open with a lot of people and, you know, all of the internet. But if you have to think about it for more than a second, the answer is probably no.

2) Just come out and ask it. Don’t joke-ask or hint at it, for God’s sake.

3) Don’t give me your opinion afterwards.

4) If we’re real life close friends, you can pretty much disregard all of these and the worst I can do is to tell you to shut up.

5) If you’re a nail salon technician, you can get away with anything.

nail scene

Or, I could just answer the question for the world:

No. Check back in 3-5 years.

Blog Sitcom: “Cell Phones In Public”

INT. TRAIN – NIGHT

Commuter train full of tired passengers. There is an ANNOYING GIRL talking loudly and incessantly on her cell phone. We only see the back of her head.

GIRL
His name’s Josh. He’s really
cute. He kind of looks like
Patrick Dempsey.

Beat. A passenger across the aisle from the girl rolls his eyes.

GIRL
No! Not “Lover Boy” Patrick
Dempsey! Well, kind of. He’s
kind of like a combination…

A train announcement interrupts the girl’s conversation. She sighs.

ANNOUNCER
This is an announcement from
the Long Island Railroad. Be
train smart. When using your
cell phone…

GIRL
Ugh, these announcements are
so annoying.

ANNOUNCER
…please be courteous to
passengers around you.

A passenger behind the girl loudly clears his throat.

GIRL
Sorry, so anyway. He sort of
looks like a combination of
young Patrick Dempsey and old
Patrick Dempsey.

The train comes to a stop. A woman in front of the girl stands up and glances with fascination at the annoying girl, before exiting. The annoying girl sees the woman’s gaze and looks around, confused.

GIRL
Yeah but anyway, I never get
to see him. It’s kind of like
that episode of Sex & The City…

The train takes off again.

GIRL
…where Miranda and Steve
couldn’t work their schedules
out because she was a lawyer
and he’s a bartender.

The train begins to slow.

ANNOUNCER
This is Huntington. Huntington,
last stop, last stop. All
passengers must exit here.

GIRL
(louder)
Yeah! Almost exactly because,
like, I’m an accountant and
he’s a waiter.

ANNOUNCER
Please take a moment to look
around you, and make sure you
have all your personal belongings…

GIRL
Ugh! Alright, I better go, Peg.
It’s my stop. I love you!!
Alright, bye.

The girl stands up, puts on her coat, and notices for the first time that most of the train is staring at her. As she turns, reveal: it is our heroine, Jill, slightly younger.

CHYRON – “October, 2007″
 

Back Home Sitcom, Ep. 2

Link to Episode 1

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

Jill showers while singing Bonnie Raitt into her pouf.

JILL
‘Cause I can’t make you love
me if you…

There is an urgent banging on the door. Jill gasps.

DADDY (O.S.)
Jilly! I need you to wrap it
up. We’re having problems
downstairs.

JILL
Uh, ok.

Jill hurriedly reaches for the shampoo and lathers up, then begins rinsing her hair. Another bang at the door.

DADDY (O.S.)
Jilly, there’s water coming
up from the toilet downstairs.

JILL
(frantically rinsing)
Ok, I’m working on it!

Jill abruptly turns off the shower. Beat. She glances at her conditioner, then lets out a sigh. Jill grabs her towel and steps out. There is no bathmat and she dries her feet quickly before stepping into her slippers. She takes one step toward the sink, reaches for her toothbrush, but then looks back toward the bathroom door. She frowns as she drops her hand and moves to exit.

Back Home Sitcom, Ep. 3

Link to prior episodes.

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – MORNING

Jill approaches the bathroom, then stops outside the door. Jill turns and approaches the stairs. Guitar music floats up from downstairs.

JILL
(Calling downstairs)
Daddy!

Music stops.

DADDY (O.S.)
Yes, sweetie?

JILL
Can I flush the toilet?

DADDY (O.S.)
Yes.

JILL
Thanks.

DADDY
Just flush it once though?

JILL
Okay…

Jill furrows her brow in confusion as she turns back toward the bathroom. Guitar starts again.

INT. JILL AND TOM’S ROOM – MINUTES LATER

Jill enters. Tom is in bed.

JILL
Um, I think we’re supposed
to only flush once so…
I left my pee for you.

TOM
Yeah… I heard your dad.

Jill shrugs and gets back into bed. Tom gets up and exits the bedroom.

Back Home Sitcom: Claire Danes Makes A Cameo

While staying at Mommy’s last week, we started binge watching Homeland. We’ve only just started Blizzard Nemo and we already have about a foot of snow outside. So, after about 4 episodes so far today…

 

INT. MOMMY’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Gail (Jill’s mom), Tom, and “Cutie” (Jill’s stepdad) watch TV. Jill carries a newly opened bottle of wine in from the kitchen. Cutie gets up to look out the front door. Twinkie the cat meows at Gail.

Gail
I just realized who Twinkie looks like!

Jill looks at her mom confused but intrigued.

Cutie
Yeah, he looks like a cat.

Gail
No! He looks like Claire Danes!

Everyone laughs.

Gail
I’m serious!

Cutie
You’re right! Why don’t you tweet it at her?

Gail
He does…

Cutie
…or *Meow* it at her!

Jill laughs and high fives cutie.

Gail
With his big eyes and long eyelashes?

Jill
Yeah, okay…

Gail
And that confused look on his face?

 

Well, Claire Danes isn’t on twitter but here you have it. You be the judge.

totally looks like

totally looks like

 

Back Home Sitcom: Women Slacking Off On Valentine’s Day

INT. DUANE READE – AFTERNOON (VALENTINE’S DAY)

Jill rushes into the store. She heads straight for the greeting cards. There are four women crowded around a two-foot wide section of the aisle.

JILL
(mumbling)
Oh great, American Greetings.

Jill scans the cards and finds the “Husband” section, right where the other women are crowded. Jill waits and scans the section, which is half empty. After a few seconds, one of the women leaves.

Jill edges in and leans over a young Asian woman, who is crouching to look at the lower cards. The young woman sighs loudly, then stands up and leaves with a card in hand.

Jill looks at a card as a middle aged WOMAN approaches and stands behind Jill. She reaches in between Jill and another woman and grabs a card.

WOMAN
(opens card, then immediately)
Too long.

The woman puts the card back. Jill laughs, puts her card back, and selects another one.

WOMAN
Why is it all the women that
are shopping at the last minute?

On cue, a young man approaches, selects a card from the well-stocked “Wife” section, and leaves.

WOMAN
Oh sure, they have plenty of
cards left.

JILL
These cards are awful.
(reading)
“Our relationship isn’t
perfect but…?” Why would
anyone buy this?

WOMAN
That’s why it’s still here.

One of the other women, unamused, walks away with a card. Jill sighs as her hand hovers, moving across the card section. She starts to reach for a pretty card, then suddenly pulls her hand back as if it’s been bitten.

JILL
Religious Valentine’s Day?
Is that a thing?

The middle aged woman puts back another card. An older man walks over, grabs a card, and leaves.

WOMAN
The men have it so easy.

Another woman crowds into the husband section.

JILL
(putting another card back)
I give up.

Jill walks away. Just before the store exit, she spots a lone giant Reese’s Peanut Butter Heart on a shelf.

JILL
Yes!

Jill grabs the candy and approaches the register with a smile.

=====================

Reeses peanut butter heart valentinelast minute chocolate valentine heart

Back Home Sitcom: The Lady Spits

INT. MANHATTAN CAFE – LATE MORNING (SUNDAY)

Jill and Tom laugh as the bill arrives. Jill takes a sip of water.

TOM
Oh, I guess I’ve
got this one?

Jill laughs, coughs, then closes her mouth tight.

TOM
Should I put it on
the Mastercard or…

Tom stops as he looks at Jill. Her mouth is closed and she is holding up one finger as if to say “hold on”.

[Read more...]

Back Home Sitcom: The New Neighbors

I was inspired by this Go Jules Go post about neighbors and thinking how awkward it would be to introduce myself to our new neighbors. Note: this hasn’t actually happened but I’m pretty sure it’s how it would go.

EXT – NEIGHBOR’S PORCH – DAY

Jill knocks on the front door. MARSHA (late 20s, pretty, hyperactively cheerful) answers. Both women speak at the same time.

MARSHA         JILL
   Hello.        Hi, I’m–

Nervous laughter.

JILL
Hi, I’m Jill, your neighbor.
I just wanted to welcome
you to the neighborhood.

MARSHA
That is so sweet! Come in.

Jill enters the house.

[Read more...]