Early Morning Anxiety

Some days it takes all I have to get out of bed in the morning.

boo
[Read more...]

Breaking News: Fruits & Vegetables Are Good For You

“I’m going to the grocery store later. Do you need anything?” should have been a simple enough question from my dad.

Tom and I shrugged at each other and said “no thanks”. We do our own grocery shopping, which consists of yellow Gatorade and beer for our mini fridge, because we basically live in a dorm room. Any meals that we eat at home are lovingly prepared by Daddy.

Daddy started to walk away but then said, “You know, there’s always fresh fruit in the basket downstairs. You really should be eating more fruit, both of you.”

I blinked, hoping that he didn’t actually require a response to this little life lesson.

He continued, “Really, I’m serious. You should be having fruit with every meal. Fruits and vegetables, those are the best thing for you.”

wonka veggie meme
“Ok, bye” was my only response. We walked past Daddy and out the door.
[Read more...]

Super Best Friends Productions: Webseries Update

Author’s note: I know that ‘webseries’ is supposed to be two words, but I’m trying to make it one. Ok?

As I mentioned, my super best friend Amanda and I are working on a webseries. Today, I’m ready to reveal the premise.

One word: bocce.

Or, two words: bocce ball.

[Read more...]

Earl Grey & Lavender

tw_lavender_earl_grey_tin

I have in my cabinet a tin of Twinings Lavender Earl Grey tea that my bridesmaid Maria brought over from London when she came for my wedding. (Maria, I don’t know if you intended to give me the whole tin, but I ended up with it.) It’s cold and rainy in New York today so I needed my tea.

she prob won't like this pic but I love it

she prob won’t like this pic but I love it

The sight and smell of the tea reminds me of my wedding weekend, of having my 13 bridesmaids and three hairdressers crammed into my three-room adjoining suite (now you understand why I’m broke and living at home). Of all the pink and yellow, the pretty flowers, the bridesmaid dresses, my mom and sister, my aunts stopping in to chat.

wedding morning

[Read more...]

An Unhealthy Curtain Attachment

I threw out the dirty curtains from my childhood room on Sunday. It’s very rare that I’m home during daylight but when I am, I notice how dusty everything is and end up cleaning.

As I was shoving the curtains into a couple trash bags, Daddy asked, “What, are you cleaning them?”

“No, I’m throwing them away,” I replied tersely. I was on a warpath.

“You know, they can be washed…”

“Daddy, they’re 30 years old.”

That actually shut him up. I mean, I don’t know for sure what normal people do, but I think they redecorate like once a decade? Curtains aren’t family heirlooms, right?

lord of the rings heirlooms

[Read more...]

Project Optimism: In Memory of Twinkie the Cat

Twinkie “Twinkle Toes” Pinnella died on Friday, after bravely admitting defeat in his battle against inoperable abdominal cancer. He is survived by his parents, Gail and Ron, sisters Jill and Amy, and brother Oreo.

photo (4)

[Read more...]

I’m Going to Take an Annie Hall Quote and Make It Super Depressing

In a deviation from standard procedure, I’m postponing my Project Optimism post until tomorrow. For reasons that will now become apparent.

Yesterday, Tom and I watched Annie Hall for the first time. I know, I’m a comedy writer in New York and I should have seen it long ago. Mistake now corrected.
[Read more...]

My Father’s Daughter

When I was a kid, Daddy was in a bad mood a lot. Whenever he would get annoyed at my sister or me, he would take deep breaths, exhaling loudly. It was extremely disconcerting, not to mention annoying.

yeah, it was kind of like this

yeah, it was kind of like this

[Read more...]

Why Don’t We Just Live With My Mom?

photo
<—– “Y don’t u guys live in the apt in her house ?” The text from my sister in law makes me think. I pause before typing, “It’s complicated but…”

 
As I mentioned back when I introduced you to the cast of characters, when we moved to Long Island, it was no secret to Daddy or anyone that Tom and I would have preferred to stay with my mom.

In fact, last summer, when Daddy first offered to let us move in with him, I believe my immediate reaction was panic, followed by fear, dread, sadness brought on by divorced-kid baggage, initial acceptance, then denial and bargaining, and finally reluctant submission to my inevitable doom. Those are the usual steps, right?
[Read more...]

Back Home Sitcom: Claire Danes Makes A Cameo

While staying at Mommy’s last week, we started binge watching Homeland. We’ve only just started Blizzard Nemo and we already have about a foot of snow outside. So, after about 4 episodes so far today…

 

INT. MOMMY’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Gail (Jill’s mom), Tom, and “Cutie” (Jill’s stepdad) watch TV. Jill carries a newly opened bottle of wine in from the kitchen. Cutie gets up to look out the front door. Twinkie the cat meows at Gail.

Gail
I just realized who Twinkie looks like!

Jill looks at her mom confused but intrigued.

Cutie
Yeah, he looks like a cat.

Gail
No! He looks like Claire Danes!

Everyone laughs.

Gail
I’m serious!

Cutie
You’re right! Why don’t you tweet it at her?

Gail
He does…

Cutie
…or *Meow* it at her!

Jill laughs and high fives cutie.

Gail
With his big eyes and long eyelashes?

Jill
Yeah, okay…

Gail
And that confused look on his face?

 

Well, Claire Danes isn’t on twitter but here you have it. You be the judge.

totally looks like

totally looks like