Dear Weirdos and Creeps of New York: Stop it.

Last night, I posted this…

train seatmate

…meaning, I had a creepy guy sitting next to me.

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Breaking News: Fruits & Vegetables Are Good For You

“I’m going to the grocery store later. Do you need anything?” should have been a simple enough question from my dad.

Tom and I shrugged at each other and said “no thanks”. We do our own grocery shopping, which consists of yellow Gatorade and beer for our mini fridge, because we basically live in a dorm room. Any meals that we eat at home are lovingly prepared by Daddy.

Daddy started to walk away but then said, “You know, there’s always fresh fruit in the basket downstairs. You really should be eating more fruit, both of you.”

I blinked, hoping that he didn’t actually require a response to this little life lesson.

He continued, “Really, I’m serious. You should be having fruit with every meal. Fruits and vegetables, those are the best thing for you.”

wonka veggie meme
“Ok, bye” was my only response. We walked past Daddy and out the door.
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Things I Don’t Tell My Dentist

When I was 22, I went to my family dentist with a chipped tooth. My mom started explaining and making excuses for me.

“I was drunk.”, I summarized. Dr. Traffley was amused and I couldn’t understand why my mom was embarrassed.

bridesmaids drunk

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Project Optimism: So, I Lost My Phone

funny-lost-phone-silent-modeFriday after improv, a couple of us went out to karaoke. Since two hours is never enough karaoke, I missed the 1:40 train. So, I was forced to hang out and drink until 4am. Tough times.

Flash forward: I wake up at 5:21 am in Huntington. The train is sitting in the station, empty. Any true Long Islander can tell you what that’s like, and also what happens next: you hear the “Beep Beep Beep” of death, the doors close and you have to frantically fly around the train trying to find a conductor to let you off before you end up at the yard.

This knowledge in mind, I jumped up and fled the train. This was when I lost my phone.

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Why I Hate Twitter (But Will Continue to Use It)

I was a relatively early adopter of twitter. It was probably 2007 when I joined, because I heard Elvis Duran and the Morning Show talking about celebrity tweets, and I thought “I can know what John Mayer is up to at all times? Cool.”

apparently this is called the hipster barista meme *the more you know*

apparently this is called the hipster barista meme
*the more you know*

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The Universe Speaks Through Fortune Cookies

What is it about Chinese fortunes? I know they’re meaningless, but if I get a good one, I believe it.

Some time last year, I got the fortune:

Your secret desire to completely
change your life will manifest.

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Bad Days Don’t Always Start In The Morning

Yesterday, 7pm, I was riding the train home, stressing about one of my scripts (due to Will Smith today) and how I can make it funnier.

Amanda (founding partner of Super Best Friends Productions) called me and I started stressing more, thinking about all that we have to do on that project.

Then my mom called and asked if I could come over. This is unusual. I said yes but I had to check with Tom.

bad day 1

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Why Is Confrontation So Hard?

Yesterday morning I was riding the train, lightly dozing with my head against the window. My hand was resting on my purse in the seat next to me.

I awoke to the sensation of my purse (and, consequently, my hand) being lifted. I opened my eyes just in time to catch my bag as it was dropped, laptop and all, into my lap.

The culprit (or “douche nozzle”, as my husband would later refer to him) then threw his own bag on the overhead rack and sat down next to me without saying anything. I sat for a couple minutes, confused and stunned.

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Moves Like Phoebe

Sunday bonus post!

The other day, I was walking to the train at Hunterspoint Ave and I saw this guy running ahead to catch the train.

He was running like Phoebe from Friends, only with a messenger bag.

“That’s not running! This is running! Let’s gooo!”

It made me really happy.

Also, I caught the same train as him, so I don’t know why he was running. Maybe he wanted to make sure he had time for a trank.

Happy Sunday! :)

Alice On The Edge

Another guest post from Alice, my commiserator in commuting…
 

While living at home has provided some good stepfather/daughter bonding I think I’m letting the commute slowly kill me. First there are the specifics of the LIRR trains themselves. The new ones aren’t awful but the old ones, which seem to be showing up much more frequently and which Jill has discussed here are the worst.

About a month ago I found myself on one where, and this is just my best guess at what happened though the gentleman sitting next to me concurred at the time, the toilet in the bathroom exploded. I did what any sane person with an olfactory sense would do and rushed to the next car at Jamaica, but of course it was packed. And then the doors wouldn’t close and as the prior post described there is a piercing noise that occurs when they go to shut them.

B&T crowd, for sure

B&T crowd, for sure

Another fun fact of this system is that the trains very rarely get you where you need to be when they’re supposed to, regardless of how many times you hear the auto tone voice say “the 7:32 is operating on time.”

Part two of the commuting equation is the people. Now I’ll admit that a few times my faith in humanity has been restored by someone giving me their seat (and no I don’t look pregnant from suburban weight gain) or moved so me and a companion can sit together; but more often they’re pretty much assholes.

There is the guy that shushed Jill and I on a morning train a couple weeks ago. Seriously, like we were in a library, and also like we didn’t know who he was even though he was sitting in front of us. And for the record we were speaking in normal voices about innocuous things.

There are the ones that scream into their cell phones for an hour – I’ve heard all about insurance problems, health issues, bad dates…And of course the ones with no concept of personal space, which is exacerbated when drunk – I’ve been encountering them more and more with the late hours I’ve been at the office. So, I need to figure something out before I become an angry person yelling at innocent young women during rush hour.
 

…after Alice wrote this, I received the following text from her:


“Gum on arm rest – I hate people”

So that pretty much sums it up.