Back Home Sitcom: The Veggie Trials Continue

Click here for the original story.

INT. DADDY’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT

Daddy, Jill and Tom are having dinner.

DADDY
Make sure you get some salad. You
know, you should be eating fruits
and vegetables with every meal.

JILL
Oh, really? You’ve never told
me that before.

[Read more...]

Daddyism #8

Rabbit Rabbit.

“That’s what we call a rolling stop.”

 
I’m driving Daddy to pick up his car. I break at a stop sign and continue.

Daddy: Whoa, that was kind of a rolling stop there, wasn’t it?
 
He says that just about every time he’s in the car with me. I don’t think it’s me.

clueless totally paused

Something Nice About My Dad

This morning, I awoke to the sound of the guitar floating through the house. When I came out of the bathroom, I heard Daddy singing, too.

It was so nice and comforting. This is how many days began when I was a child. When I moved out, I never thought I’d wake to that sound again.

In fact, back when I was husband scouting, “plays guitar” was on my list of criteria. Despite Tom’s claim that he plays the bass guitar, I’ve never heard him play. Sometimes my sister Amy would play guitar or ukulele when we lived together, but she was never awake in the morning.

I asked Daddy what he was playing and he told me, but I forget the name of the song. He was just fooling around while waiting for his carpool buddy to show up. This is his version of checking facebook on your phone.

I told him we were going to Virginia tonight for Tom’s cousin’s wedding tomorrow, and he said “Oh, give me a kiss then, because I won’t see you before you leave.” I obliged.

I like my dad sometimes.

I just thought up a corollary to the rule “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

something nice

I’m a modern day Aesop

“If you actually have something nice to say, say it quick before you change your mind.”

Quick, say something nice about your parents.

Breaking News: Fruits & Vegetables Are Good For You

“I’m going to the grocery store later. Do you need anything?” should have been a simple enough question from my dad.

Tom and I shrugged at each other and said “no thanks”. We do our own grocery shopping, which consists of yellow Gatorade and beer for our mini fridge, because we basically live in a dorm room. Any meals that we eat at home are lovingly prepared by Daddy.

Daddy started to walk away but then said, “You know, there’s always fresh fruit in the basket downstairs. You really should be eating more fruit, both of you.”

I blinked, hoping that he didn’t actually require a response to this little life lesson.

He continued, “Really, I’m serious. You should be having fruit with every meal. Fruits and vegetables, those are the best thing for you.”

wonka veggie meme
“Ok, bye” was my only response. We walked past Daddy and out the door.
[Read more...]

Earl Grey & Lavender

tw_lavender_earl_grey_tin

I have in my cabinet a tin of Twinings Lavender Earl Grey tea that my bridesmaid Maria brought over from London when she came for my wedding. (Maria, I don’t know if you intended to give me the whole tin, but I ended up with it.) It’s cold and rainy in New York today so I needed my tea.

she prob won't like this pic but I love it

she prob won’t like this pic but I love it

The sight and smell of the tea reminds me of my wedding weekend, of having my 13 bridesmaids and three hairdressers crammed into my three-room adjoining suite (now you understand why I’m broke and living at home). Of all the pink and yellow, the pretty flowers, the bridesmaid dresses, my mom and sister, my aunts stopping in to chat.

wedding morning

[Read more...]

An Unhealthy Curtain Attachment

I threw out the dirty curtains from my childhood room on Sunday. It’s very rare that I’m home during daylight but when I am, I notice how dusty everything is and end up cleaning.

As I was shoving the curtains into a couple trash bags, Daddy asked, “What, are you cleaning them?”

“No, I’m throwing them away,” I replied tersely. I was on a warpath.

“You know, they can be washed…”

“Daddy, they’re 30 years old.”

That actually shut him up. I mean, I don’t know for sure what normal people do, but I think they redecorate like once a decade? Curtains aren’t family heirlooms, right?

lord of the rings heirlooms

[Read more...]

Daddyism #7

April Fool’s! I forgot to do a Daddyism on the first. It’s my blog so I say I can do it late:
 

“I don’t need ambience.”

 
Tom, Daddy and I wait for our food at the Mediterranean Snack Bar.

Daddy: I’m going to tell them to bring out all the food at once. I don’t need a big production, you know? It’s like, I go to these places that want to make dinner a big event. I don’t need ambience. I don’t need formality. I’m here to eat. I just want to eat my food and go home.

Things I Don’t Tell My Dentist

When I was 22, I went to my family dentist with a chipped tooth. My mom started explaining and making excuses for me.

“I was drunk.”, I summarized. Dr. Traffley was amused and I couldn’t understand why my mom was embarrassed.

bridesmaids drunk

[Read more...]

Project Optimism: So, I Lost My Phone

funny-lost-phone-silent-modeFriday after improv, a couple of us went out to karaoke. Since two hours is never enough karaoke, I missed the 1:40 train. So, I was forced to hang out and drink until 4am. Tough times.

Flash forward: I wake up at 5:21 am in Huntington. The train is sitting in the station, empty. Any true Long Islander can tell you what that’s like, and also what happens next: you hear the “Beep Beep Beep” of death, the doors close and you have to frantically fly around the train trying to find a conductor to let you off before you end up at the yard.

This knowledge in mind, I jumped up and fled the train. This was when I lost my phone.

[Read more...]

Bad Days Don’t Always Start In The Morning

Yesterday, 7pm, I was riding the train home, stressing about one of my scripts (due to Will Smith today) and how I can make it funnier.

Amanda (founding partner of Super Best Friends Productions) called me and I started stressing more, thinking about all that we have to do on that project.

Then my mom called and asked if I could come over. This is unusual. I said yes but I had to check with Tom.

bad day 1

[Read more...]