Back Home Sitcom: The Veggie Trials Continue

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INT. DADDY’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT

Daddy, Jill and Tom are having dinner.

DADDY
Make sure you get some salad. You
know, you should be eating fruits
and vegetables with every meal.

JILL
Oh, really? You’ve never told
me that before.

[Read more...]

Something Nice About My Dad

This morning, I awoke to the sound of the guitar floating through the house. When I came out of the bathroom, I heard Daddy singing, too.

It was so nice and comforting. This is how many days began when I was a child. When I moved out, I never thought I’d wake to that sound again.

In fact, back when I was husband scouting, “plays guitar” was on my list of criteria. Despite Tom’s claim that he plays the bass guitar, I’ve never heard him play. Sometimes my sister Amy would play guitar or ukulele when we lived together, but she was never awake in the morning.

I asked Daddy what he was playing and he told me, but I forget the name of the song. He was just fooling around while waiting for his carpool buddy to show up. This is his version of checking facebook on your phone.

I told him we were going to Virginia tonight for Tom’s cousin’s wedding tomorrow, and he said “Oh, give me a kiss then, because I won’t see you before you leave.” I obliged.

I like my dad sometimes.

I just thought up a corollary to the rule “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

something nice

I’m a modern day Aesop

“If you actually have something nice to say, say it quick before you change your mind.”

Quick, say something nice about your parents.

Breaking News: Fruits & Vegetables Are Good For You

“I’m going to the grocery store later. Do you need anything?” should have been a simple enough question from my dad.

Tom and I shrugged at each other and said “no thanks”. We do our own grocery shopping, which consists of yellow Gatorade and beer for our mini fridge, because we basically live in a dorm room. Any meals that we eat at home are lovingly prepared by Daddy.

Daddy started to walk away but then said, “You know, there’s always fresh fruit in the basket downstairs. You really should be eating more fruit, both of you.”

I blinked, hoping that he didn’t actually require a response to this little life lesson.

He continued, “Really, I’m serious. You should be having fruit with every meal. Fruits and vegetables, those are the best thing for you.”

wonka veggie meme
“Ok, bye” was my only response. We walked past Daddy and out the door.
[Read more...]

Why I Hate Twitter (But Will Continue to Use It)

I was a relatively early adopter of twitter. It was probably 2007 when I joined, because I heard Elvis Duran and the Morning Show talking about celebrity tweets, and I thought “I can know what John Mayer is up to at all times? Cool.”

apparently this is called the hipster barista meme *the more you know*

apparently this is called the hipster barista meme
*the more you know*

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Project Optimism: In Memory of Twinkie the Cat

Twinkie “Twinkle Toes” Pinnella died on Friday, after bravely admitting defeat in his battle against inoperable abdominal cancer. He is survived by his parents, Gail and Ron, sisters Jill and Amy, and brother Oreo.

photo (4)

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Why Don’t We Just Live With My Mom?

photo
<—– “Y don’t u guys live in the apt in her house ?” The text from my sister in law makes me think. I pause before typing, “It’s complicated but…”

 
As I mentioned back when I introduced you to the cast of characters, when we moved to Long Island, it was no secret to Daddy or anyone that Tom and I would have preferred to stay with my mom.

In fact, last summer, when Daddy first offered to let us move in with him, I believe my immediate reaction was panic, followed by fear, dread, sadness brought on by divorced-kid baggage, initial acceptance, then denial and bargaining, and finally reluctant submission to my inevitable doom. Those are the usual steps, right?
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But That’s A Mess For Another Day…

Tuesday night, after I resolved to procrastinate cleaning until the weekend, Daddy called and asked if I could take the chicken out of the freezer for dinner. (Yes, it has occurred to me that I should do less complaining about the man that regularly serves me home cooked meals. Anyway…)

I realized I hadn’t been in the kitchen in several weeks, and it was more disgusting than I’d remembered. I saw what looked like half a peapod smushed on the counter, and that was it.

I went back upstairs, got my fancy vacuum cleaner, and finally started attacking parts of the house that I’ve been meaning to vacuum for months.

The staircase, covered with cobwebs and dust, was the most satisfying part. The worst part was the disgusting blinds, which I really just want to throw out, but am not ready to fight Daddy on that yet. So I tried to vacuum them and… something flew out at me!

Granted, it was a fly and not a bat. But still, I think it was lying dormant and now it’s going to kill me.

…or I could just Obama it. Remember that?

Then the kitchen. Where I also discovered a pile of old mail on the floor behind Daddy’s chair……. sigh…… But I got the peapod that had started this whole battle.

sure, it looks cute until it's rotting on your counter... credit

sure, it looks cute until it’s rotting on your counter…
credit

Finally, I got to the mudroom in the back of the house. When I started vacuuming dust bunnies out of what can only be described as a cartoon mouse hole, I gave up. I’m just too afraid of what I might find back there.

would you really want to clean this?

would you really want to clean this?

I don’t know which is worse, the fact that there’s still so much more cleaning to do, or that my dad will never even notice that I did anything.

...or maybe I could just stay with the neighbors for awhile credit

…or maybe I could just stay with the neighbors for awhile
credit

Oh well. I think I’ll save both my physical and emotional cobwebs for another day. I know that procrastination is generally frowned on, but I think it’s a legit self-preservation technique (sometimes).

What do you think, lovers and friends?
Are there things that are worth procrastinating?

Your Mother Doesn’t Work Here

“I’ve been back for five minutes and I already hate it.”

Yesterday, after staying at my mom’s for a week due to Daddy’s plumbing issues / my illness, Tom and I finally came home.

Five minutes was all it took. I brought my stuff upstairs and threw it on the bed next to the pile of folded laundry. I hung up my coat and excitedly proclaimed “I’m going to the bathroom and flushing the toilet!”

There, I encountered a dirty toilet, a dusty window sill with a dead ladybug on it (another story), and a sink full of beard trimmings. I sighed, having gotten too used to my mom’s clean house over the last several days.

I went back to our bedroom and declared my despair to Tom, who hugged me, because he’s nice like that.

I don’t know why I thought this place would magically be cleaner when I came back. I guess it was naive of me to think that it could even stay just as dirty as I left it a week ago.

All I know is that I have a chest and several sinuses full of mucus and I am tired of being in charge of cleaning around here. Can’t I just live with Mommy forever?

No? Well, I can at least procrastinate cleaning until the weekend.

Project Optimism: It’s Time To Flush The Toilet!

Remember when we couldn’t move in for a month because of plumbing problems? And then I had to be rushed out of the shower? And then…? Oh well, then last week we had to evacuate to my mom’s because we could no longer use any water.

Finally, last week, Daddy actually called a plumber. A big step for him considering he doesn’t like to have strangers (or people he knows) over to his messy house.

Friday they came and dug up the sewer pipe in the front yard. Daddy said there were so many tree roots in it, he didn’t know how any water was draining.

Good news! We can go back home! I haven’t yet, because I’ve been sick and my mom’s place contains certain niceties, such as food. But when we go home, I can shower and flush with impunity.

As for last week’s optimistic goals: I confess, I came down with a cold that prevented me from doing most of those things. But it hasn’t gotten me down. This is a new week and, without pushing myself too hard, I hope to be back in shape by the end of the week.

Happy Monday y’all!

Back Home Sitcom, Ep. 2

Link to Episode 1

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

Jill showers while singing Bonnie Raitt into her pouf.

JILL
‘Cause I can’t make you love
me if you…

There is an urgent banging on the door. Jill gasps.

DADDY (O.S.)
Jilly! I need you to wrap it
up. We’re having problems
downstairs.

JILL
Uh, ok.

Jill hurriedly reaches for the shampoo and lathers up, then begins rinsing her hair. Another bang at the door.

DADDY (O.S.)
Jilly, there’s water coming
up from the toilet downstairs.

JILL
(frantically rinsing)
Ok, I’m working on it!

Jill abruptly turns off the shower. Beat. She glances at her conditioner, then lets out a sigh. Jill grabs her towel and steps out. There is no bathmat and she dries her feet quickly before stepping into her slippers. She takes one step toward the sink, reaches for her toothbrush, but then looks back toward the bathroom door. She frowns as she drops her hand and moves to exit.